Sunday, May 18, 2008


I went to my brother's college graduation yesterday. There, I saw so many people who had a whole life ahead of them, with a goal. A career, a life, that they had control over. A plan that they were excited to start. Out of school, ready to take their permission slip out into the real world, to receive a real life. The speech of the day? 

"Find what it is that makes you happy and thrive to make your mark"!!!!

but what if you are undisputedly created to do one thing. What if these college kids sat there yesterday remembering the days when they dreamed about being something specific. Being young and childish, playing in the bathroom in front of the mirror. Talking to themselves, pretending to be something they are not but eventually, in time will surely enough become.
Did anybody think about those days, where cleaning your room, helping with family chores, meeting the expectations of teachers, parents, family, friends, mattered very little to you, because you were fixated on a dream, a destiny, a vision that seems all to real to you, and your young and foolish and that is all that you care about, what else could matter more than that??

Do you think these college kids recall those days, later, in middle or high school. Trying to deal with the pressures of fitting in and being accepted, while learning the useless things that school teaches you. Remember when that childish dream now started to seem more real than ever? 

You surround yourself with like minded people, who shared the same interest. Nobody can understand why you think the way you do. Its not an idea that is socially acceptable. You do not fit into the "popular crowd" and you do not get the hot girl. You get the unusual and mysterious girl, who happens to be hot to you, but not to the cool crowd. You get a chip on your shoulder, because you feel "more aware" than the cool crowd and only time will prove you right. Time, something that is surely on your side. You dive head first into your interests, ignoring everything else, and you get nowhere with what everybody wants you to do, but you start your adventure in that dream you have had, that seems so real. Everybody is concerned for you because you do not seem "the same" as everyone else. Lets not forget this is Christian school, so now we start wondering if...your "offbeat" sense of style and ambition is cause for concern to others. Are you gay? You aren't doing the normal things, son. Are you depressed? Of course your not, because your doing what has only been normal to do, all of these years you have been alive. You feel so strongly about it. It feels natural. It is how the engine was built to run, and no other function would work. Nobody understands it because your so young. One day, you are told, you will snap right out of it and be proper. You do not believe that though, this is you and it is for life. Out of panic, people start to think you need serious help. The idea of connecting with all of these stupid things in school, are so important to everybody in control, that you start to find yourself getting mental evaluation, and you start to get force fed medication. Now you are depressed, not because you needed medicine, but because your fight to be "you" has now become an endless war. Sure, they only love you, but you still feel more "aware" so you just keep doing what it is that defines,simply, you!!!

You graduate from high school and now you are expected to go to college. You have followed your dreaming heart now, all the way to the end. This dream, this passion you have had your whole life, has now created your character. Your friends know what you are, your enemies still think your nuts. You still have a select core group of friends, because this is art and art doesn't make sense in Christian school life. Now you are known as the troublemaker, because you clearly did only the bare minimum to get by in school, you only worked hard enough to give the teachers and parents what they paid for. A child, with a diploma. You have now been through several schools, psychiatrists, medicines, friends, and your emotionally a mess. You have been completely abandoned by people, because you just didn't fit into the requirements of the society laid in front of you. Because you are "special needs" you get a free pass to go to college. But, you don't need college for what it is you still love. Now you are a free man, and you can pursue this love, without any distraction. College is a distraction. You have a gift now, not a dream. This love you had as a child, has now become a gift. This gift is clear to everyone. Now people are starting to really appreciate it. Your starting to help other people with it. You think back to all of the years, and all of the mess, and how it seems so obvious now. Now, with the pain you experienced, you don't just have a name, but a face, for this gift. Ministry. This is something God has put inside you, from such an early age. Everyone who understood you has been saying that all along. Your parents have always been saying "Your called and your going to do something big with your life" You are read like a newspaper. It is so clear to everybody.
Now, they see whats going on, and they know its your life. Your destiny!!!!!!

You run full tilt, into the life you now waited your whole life for. You have developed, naturally, a knack for doing this thing a certain way, and naturally, the people who are capable of keeping up with you, see eye to eye and join you in this. You pour your whole life into it, and now the dream you have had is bigger than you are. You have now become secondary to a larger life. You are a leader, and people are scratching their heads at you. "How on earth did you come up with this"? How did you? From all of the years, and all of the lessons learned, and all of mirrors you practiced in. And all of the visions you had as a teenager. It is just natural. Its who you are and what you do. Now this dream of yours takes on a life of its own. You are now doing this dream life, just how you pictured it, and nothing stands in your way. So young. All of your work has paid off. All of your patience. All of the pain. It led up to this. Your set free and you are seeing how God is using it, finally, for his good. Destiny, indeed!!!!

A short few years goes by, and your still young and thriving. But now, you have outdone yourself so much, that when others no longer share that dream with you, they move on. You have done things in such a specific style, that only you were capable of. Nobody else seems able to do it. You cant do this by yourself. It would not make any sense. Its like a vehicle with one tire. You need the others. God will make this work, right? After all. What was a life of fight for?

Patiently, you wait. You realize that now it is going to take some effort. Effort you never had to use. You try so hard to get moving again. Life is going on. You get married. You are now sharing this life, for good or bad, with your best friend. You want even more, to succeed. You know your limitations. You know what you have to offer this world, but you know what you don't have to offer, and now you are scared and confused. What happened???????? How on earth did this happen to you?? Your life is piling up, and now the "fall back" job has become your life. You do it, because you have to. You need money. You are on your own. Now you are taking care of your wife. More than ever, like is spiraling out of control, and all of your efforts to get back to what it is, that makes you, YOU, is more and more impossible. Your dreams are a giant ship, and you fell into the ocean, and the ship is smaller and smaller. Your drowning. 

But wait!!!! What about ALL OF THOSE YEARS?? life doesn't make any sense now. You are not person B, you are person A. You have nothing else to offer. You try. You try so many different outlets. You start to receive everyone's advice. Advice you thought was a distraction, seems to be a desperate attempt to cling to a lifeboat before going under. Nothing is working. 

You turn 30. You have sacrificed a typical life all of your years. You are married, to someone who is so much like you. Together, you wonder where your lives are, and where they went. Everyone who made you feel so small growing up, they have all gone on to live typical, and safe existences. You wonder, "How do they stay sane"? But you remember, "Because that is what they are made for" But not you. 

Crazy enough, your dream still grows alive in you, and your inspiration is still a bleeding heart. Inside your heart and head, there is a world of amazing beauty, and your dream has outgrown it all, and needs an outlet. Yet, you can't fix it. It is out of your control. Clearly, it seems God wants different things from you, and you try every door that opens. But to no avail, your life is still in chains. Everything you have said in defense to your destiny, is slapping you in the face.
But, how do you get people to understand???? Your not crazy, it was all so right!!!! 

Now, everyone, like before, dictates that your dream should one day, and now is.....over.

Like a fish out of water, you flap around, trying to breathe. You literally panic. You lose your identity. You want so bad for your best friend, your partner, to know what you knew growing up all those years. They take your word, and support you, but its not as real to your partner as it is inside of you. You start loosing control over normal things, like your emotions. Self control. Anger. Now you are a disappointment to so many. Like it is the easiest thing in the world, they tell you "Its time to move on" but they never provide a path for you to follow. "That is your job" and you start to affect everyone around you negatively. You literally feel dead inside, and your health is starting to be affected negatively from it. This is not the life you were supposed to live!!!!!!!! You realize, that you want safety. You want what God wants. You surrender. You finally get to a place where you do not care what it is that God wants for you. You simply want peace in your life. Peace has now become the dream life you want to live.
Give me your still small voice!!!!!

Those college grads only know so much of my story. 

Some of those kids will lead normal, safe lives. Staying on the surface, married,buying a small house with the white fence and target home decor, content in a no name town, that is safe and quiet. Outside of the 9 to 5 job they didn't go to school for, they will call their friends to inform them about all of the deals the market had on various grocery items, and when they have some time, they will invest it in doing things with the kids they now have while the other spouse it working even more and more to pay off that house.

. Some of those kids will go on to become important. Their dreams will serve them correct, and they will prove the whole world wrong. They will be in the right place at the right time, ripe and young, with nothing but success in front of them. Destiny will have its way. 

Some of those kids are big time dreamers, and will always be. Sadly, that dream will stay dormant inside of them, like a colorful world everybody should see, but wont. Holding that in, without an outlet, will kill a part of them forever, or maybe worse, they will fall apart for good. That inspiration inside of them is vital in helping so many people, including themselves. It will go wasted.

So sad. 

But right now, all of mom and dad's money has been spent, assuring the naive students that its a small price you pay, for the child's dreams to come true. Nothing is going to stand in their way!!!!!

 "Time is on their side"

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